autumn

teehee, bored.

As the angels begin to fall, the corpses rise

From the depths of hell to walk the earth again.

With the horrific nature of their intent

Being the flesh of our supplement.

We watch the zombies as they consume

our mothers

our fathers

brothers and sisters.

friends, foes and those fallen in between.

When the angels fell from the sky

The corpses begin to rise.

Demons and devils with macabre eyes.

Fixated on the what makes us beat.

The demons they frolick, flock and come dashing towards the crowd.

They bring their minion zombies to finish off the sraps.

They aim in at our chest, they found our supplement.

Beating, fast;

In their hands, dripping.

Chanting...

RIGHT NOW! RIGHT NOW! RIGHT NOW! is our time.

RIGHT NOW! RIGHT NOW! RIGHT NOW! we feed on your flesh, your material well-being.

RIGHT NOW! RIGHT NOW! RIGHT NOW! we've come to rule the earth.

As the angel fell to the ground

with one loud thump.

The thunder rolled in to take their place.

The skies turned black as the clouds churned.

Watching, waiting, wondering what's next.

What is humanity when it can be taken away so easily?

The angels have died.

The corpses have fallen.

The demons have frolicked the earth.

All has gone still as the last beating heart is devoured in a frenzy.

The slow-paced crowd turns

Not hearing a beat, not hearing a sound but the low grumble of their groans.

Spinning, round and round.

They begin to chant...

NOW WHAT? their is no sound of the beat.

NOW WHAT? conundrum.

NOW MAYBE i'll eat you...

treading stagnant water waiting for the tidal wave

family

in the end family is more than skin-deep,

more than just what runs through our veins.

it is friendship, love, relatives

all the one's in-between.

those who touch us

deep, enduringly, everlasting.

steadily blowing in the wind

all this wasting time

catching onto lost hopes,

stolen good-byes,

and painful memories.

gathering about,

going to explode

with no where to go.

when does the grieving end

and life pick back up again?

does the dry spell only point to

better days ahead --

or doom and sorrow to loom?

hold on, please, real tight.

sure, it'll get brighter soon.

the little white lie we all tell ourselves

to make life less complicated, hurtful and confusing. 

spirits held in an enveloping moment --

breathe slows, deeply... when --

lust breaks in

sets free the fire, the spoils.

allowing ourselves another blissful second

away from the doom and clutches of

our fate --

eternal death.

circling the earth and catching its beauty in the last gasping breaths leading me to step into the dreams of wondertopia

the ballad in my mind is putting me to sleep.

haunting my thoughts to exhaustion. 

i watch the clouds roll by, 

lightning strikes,

thunder roars --

and then all goes still.

the rain patters on the pavement,

pit-pat-pit-pat

pitpatpitpatpitpat

getting faster as the storm climaxes...

and then

bam, crash, crack, caboooom!

all breaks loose.

the underside of your skin tingles

as the adrenaline pumps through your veins.

catch your breath
then stopping, all goes quiet,

well the ballad continues on

the roads are lined with lush coloured flowers blowing gently in the wind.

they whisper silently in the dead of summer that this is almost over.

the trees rustle, rabbits frolic across the road and i swerve. 

continuing along the road.

Dredging. 
Split between worlds.
Heavy steps. 
Cold feet.
Wandering.
Lost.
On a continuum.
Never ending.
Always going.
Dredging.

endometriosis(sickness)

i hate endometriosis and it's randomness, silence & downright crap.

it ruins life -
cramps,
shooting pains,
feeling of melting wax on the inside of your abdomen,
irritability,
frustration,
mood swings,
random tears,
and always fucking tired.

ugh.
go away.

road rage.

i had a bout of road rage last night. this person was less than half a car length off my car and would not pass. i drive a '96 Toyota Tercel and they had a swanky SUV, so their lights were in my eyes. i could not see their headlights in my rear-view mirror rather it was in my driver's mirror blaring in my eyes.

i slowed down to five over the speed limit hoping they would pass. opportunity one, no pass, two - still no pass. they had about six or seven chances to pass. i was fed up i slowed down to sixty and signalled them to go around. nothing - it's after midnight and i am alone, i was starting to get nervous & slightly angry. i pulled over abruptly and let them go by.

in my fit of anxiety i sped up to them and followed them real close to give them the same idea. i dropped back at the sign. they turned left and i was going that way too. i stayed three car lengths behind and let them do their thing, then they turned.

it was late and i was tired, alone in my car in the country. don't follow so close. maybe i've watched too many horror movies and crime shows, who knows.

needlesstosay - i had a bout of road rage and i feel bad about it.

just coasting along. 

just coasting along.

oh man, am i ever just coasting along.

humph, i'm stuck.

Watching the world, watching things work

Just watching.

I feel like all I am ever doing is watching.

I try to participate and I feel like a fool.

Stumbling and tripping over myself, my thoughts.

My actions are not intended to be or they occur at all the wrong times.

Sometimes it is hard to when I feel like the world is crumbling in on me.

I want to fit in and disappear. 

I am worried what you think of me, of what will become of me.

What do I project?

And why the fuck do I care what people think? Why?

I want to stop caring so fucking much.

I feel like a clutz.

A coward.

A loner, loser.

A bitch.

A whimpy, pussy, woos.

Trying to be someone I am not.

I want to find my skin, where did it run off to?

(&breath.in.out.in.out)

Lost.

Spinning.

Hoping.

Wandering - like a lost puppy.

Finding itself.

(& __________ )

I hope I find my skin again, find myself, who I am and what I am doing here. 

Somedays Winona comes back, but others I can’t figure out who she is, I am.

Feeling like a rambling maniac in a tornado of worry and uncertainty.

They always tell you to go out and get an education

But they never tell you what’s next. 

[is it sad that sometimes I hope 2012 is reality?]

My philosophy is becoming.

Smile, take life in and soon the flow will come back.

Life settles back in for a while before turmoil strikes again

&again&again&again.

If you get back up again

&again&again&again.

Then there are experiences to be made

And mysteries begin to unravel themselves.

Even after almost a decade there can still be surprises…

Lurking…

Just around the corner.

This is where I hope to find myself again,

In those new experiences just around the bend.

(...I hope.)

[well...if not:

Then let’s hope we are all in it together, whatever it is…]

Do you ever have those moments when frustration and irritation take over like a tidal wave breaking the shore?

I find myself in this state when trying to branch out on my artistic skills. I have been trying to reuse old materials and re-vamp them, but in the end it looks like something out of Grandma's closet. This leads to the tearing apart of the canvas, the paper left in shreds on the floor - leaving the thought in my head,
"I knew this wouldn't work, it never does. Why did I even bother?"

Yet, I try and try again; finding myself making something uglier and uglier. I want to cry and tear out my hair. Why can photography be the only thing I get right? I wish I could smear the paint on the canvas in the proper fashion to make paintings to shock and awe a crowd. I wish that I could take materials and pound something out. I sketch flowers, flowers and more fucking flowers! I don't even feel like I get those right, even though some people like them - I really do despise them but it is the only thing I get feedback on.

I have this OCD obsession about feedback, I am obsessed with performance. I want to perform to my potential and I feel I am not doing so. I am falling behind, lacking and missing the piece out of the jigsaw puzzle. What happened?

I can look around & be happy as a pig in shit, but why can't I just paint a pretty picture? I can photograph one no problem, but why can't I get my mind's eye on paper? Something that goes beyond what I see with my eye to something I see with my soul.

--end--

daisy, oh daisy

daisy, oh daisy. in the sun you shine beautiful white against the greenery. watching you rise to bud then bloom is quite the sight.

one day they were all little green balls and then bam! luscious white petals bloom from your bright yellow centre drawing the viewer in.

although you smell like crap, you are nice to look at. & i never knew you grew to be over 6' high - 

you would accompany the sunflowers nicely if they were in bloom...

daisy, oh daisy. you are beautiful and make me smile against the midday sun as you awaken from your slumber to bloom your delicate petals.

--end--

crap.

Exeter, ON Canada

MacMaster - Hamilton, Ontario

Roadtrip to Hamilton, Ontario to check out a program my friend Marly is interested in going through for.

--end--

love.

there seems to be a lot of it.
swirling and dancing in the air, waiting and watching for its next victim, catch, squeeze, whichever you prefer on that day in that moment -- it is still all the same.

i found love. a long time ago. his name is jason.
being with someone throughout your life is a good thing yet it can seem at times the biggest hardship there is, but those are always outweighed.
being honest and communicating are ways love finds ways to be kindled and sparked into something great and meaningful. i know that without being in-your-face and up-front jason and i would not last. we have to realize our limits and our boundaries, learning how to be with one another within one's own self and adapting them into you.

we are human, we hate love feel. that is the cycle, without it we wouldn't know what life was and what it was to love. to not have loved would be to not have known its existence so how can one claim there is no love if they have not themselves undergone its touch in some form or another?
love comes in many expressions and experiences from parents, animals, plants, one another. by reaching out in everyday transactions of the world we will experience love in a some form, so this by definition would mean love does exist and falsifies claims of loves non-existence.

spending my life with jason is something i am ready for, i look forward to and looking back on our lives together after looking ahead to what's next -- right now we have to look ahead, the future seems rocky and turmoil might be ahead. but jason & i stick together through it all, we keep ourselves in check by consoling, loving, caring. that is what makes me know we will make it.

the question of marriage is irrelevant. why? why does it matter? it is just a legality, a form of making amends with the public perspective. stop and think, why are you doing this?
can't loving a person be enough? to be the you & me forever. no strings, just living.

in the end, basic caring leads to basic understanding of the core of humanity, love is out there -- just feel it in any form it comes. with knowing that it can be a universe of two without approval from the world outside. it's about inside, if you feel it's what you want for whatever reason, do it -- just don't forget that nothing changes, it is still the same love between two people. love burning deep.

--end--

postscript:

you and me together. 

you know, baby, it's better when it is just you and me together.

dundundun

baby, just feel the love that is so strong.

always going to be you and me no matter.

don't you worry dear,

no matter what happens dear,

it's always going to be me and you forever.

dundundun.

--end postscript--

I think today may have been the first argument or emotional conversation I had with my father. Seeing the different perspectives on situations and how things are dealt with made it easier to get through.

I have learned to let go in my life, to not let things fester and bother me anymore. To let go is to feel a huge weight lifted from the shoulders and the chest into dust clouds that disappear into the abyss.

It does nothing but cause anguish to worry, yet human nature forces this upon us. The bond we have between us within our close knit relations between our parents, families and close friends allow an understanding even through those tough disagreements or just different viewpoints develops a relationship to another level, a deeper understanding to help them through the next time. 

It has to develop through disappointments, tears, angry screams, smiles, laughter and wandering conversation that make life what it is. Life is made of winding, wandering, dipping and turning roads. Mistakes made, no regrets. Learning about the world, experiencing it to know the world. Grasping the good things within troubling situations pushes through the awful, upsetting or disappointing moments to make that memory shine through.

... because really,

let's face it...

shit happens, life goes on & then we die.

Make it what you can or what you want, it sometimes doesn't always last long.

--end--