Do you ever have those moments when frustration and irritation take over like a tidal wave breaking the shore?

I find myself in this state when trying to branch out on my artistic skills. I have been trying to reuse old materials and re-vamp them, but in the end it looks like something out of Grandma's closet. This leads to the tearing apart of the canvas, the paper left in shreds on the floor - leaving the thought in my head,
"I knew this wouldn't work, it never does. Why did I even bother?"

Yet, I try and try again; finding myself making something uglier and uglier. I want to cry and tear out my hair. Why can photography be the only thing I get right? I wish I could smear the paint on the canvas in the proper fashion to make paintings to shock and awe a crowd. I wish that I could take materials and pound something out. I sketch flowers, flowers and more fucking flowers! I don't even feel like I get those right, even though some people like them - I really do despise them but it is the only thing I get feedback on.

I have this OCD obsession about feedback, I am obsessed with performance. I want to perform to my potential and I feel I am not doing so. I am falling behind, lacking and missing the piece out of the jigsaw puzzle. What happened?

I can look around & be happy as a pig in shit, but why can't I just paint a pretty picture? I can photograph one no problem, but why can't I get my mind's eye on paper? Something that goes beyond what I see with my eye to something I see with my soul.

--end--

daisy, oh daisy

daisy, oh daisy. in the sun you shine beautiful white against the greenery. watching you rise to bud then bloom is quite the sight.

one day they were all little green balls and then bam! luscious white petals bloom from your bright yellow centre drawing the viewer in.

although you smell like crap, you are nice to look at. & i never knew you grew to be over 6' high - 

you would accompany the sunflowers nicely if they were in bloom...

daisy, oh daisy. you are beautiful and make me smile against the midday sun as you awaken from your slumber to bloom your delicate petals.

--end--

crap.

Exeter, ON Canada

MacMaster - Hamilton, Ontario

Roadtrip to Hamilton, Ontario to check out a program my friend Marly is interested in going through for.

--end--

love.

there seems to be a lot of it.
swirling and dancing in the air, waiting and watching for its next victim, catch, squeeze, whichever you prefer on that day in that moment -- it is still all the same.

i found love. a long time ago. his name is jason.
being with someone throughout your life is a good thing yet it can seem at times the biggest hardship there is, but those are always outweighed.
being honest and communicating are ways love finds ways to be kindled and sparked into something great and meaningful. i know that without being in-your-face and up-front jason and i would not last. we have to realize our limits and our boundaries, learning how to be with one another within one's own self and adapting them into you.

we are human, we hate love feel. that is the cycle, without it we wouldn't know what life was and what it was to love. to not have loved would be to not have known its existence so how can one claim there is no love if they have not themselves undergone its touch in some form or another?
love comes in many expressions and experiences from parents, animals, plants, one another. by reaching out in everyday transactions of the world we will experience love in a some form, so this by definition would mean love does exist and falsifies claims of loves non-existence.

spending my life with jason is something i am ready for, i look forward to and looking back on our lives together after looking ahead to what's next -- right now we have to look ahead, the future seems rocky and turmoil might be ahead. but jason & i stick together through it all, we keep ourselves in check by consoling, loving, caring. that is what makes me know we will make it.

the question of marriage is irrelevant. why? why does it matter? it is just a legality, a form of making amends with the public perspective. stop and think, why are you doing this?
can't loving a person be enough? to be the you & me forever. no strings, just living.

in the end, basic caring leads to basic understanding of the core of humanity, love is out there -- just feel it in any form it comes. with knowing that it can be a universe of two without approval from the world outside. it's about inside, if you feel it's what you want for whatever reason, do it -- just don't forget that nothing changes, it is still the same love between two people. love burning deep.

--end--

postscript:

you and me together. 

you know, baby, it's better when it is just you and me together.

dundundun

baby, just feel the love that is so strong.

always going to be you and me no matter.

don't you worry dear,

no matter what happens dear,

it's always going to be me and you forever.

dundundun.

--end postscript--

I think today may have been the first argument or emotional conversation I had with my father. Seeing the different perspectives on situations and how things are dealt with made it easier to get through.

I have learned to let go in my life, to not let things fester and bother me anymore. To let go is to feel a huge weight lifted from the shoulders and the chest into dust clouds that disappear into the abyss.

It does nothing but cause anguish to worry, yet human nature forces this upon us. The bond we have between us within our close knit relations between our parents, families and close friends allow an understanding even through those tough disagreements or just different viewpoints develops a relationship to another level, a deeper understanding to help them through the next time. 

It has to develop through disappointments, tears, angry screams, smiles, laughter and wandering conversation that make life what it is. Life is made of winding, wandering, dipping and turning roads. Mistakes made, no regrets. Learning about the world, experiencing it to know the world. Grasping the good things within troubling situations pushes through the awful, upsetting or disappointing moments to make that memory shine through.

... because really,

let's face it...

shit happens, life goes on & then we die.

Make it what you can or what you want, it sometimes doesn't always last long.

--end--

anything more beautiful than the smell of a fragrant flower

the soft petals glisten in the sun, reaching out to touch the warm rays

doing the spiral dance as the wind blows them gentle to and fro, back and forth

stirring the nestling centre of yellow among the flowing pink petals

the nectar is harvested by many

and together they drink

well other buds wait to open into the light

--end--

nature

when stumbling across nature's creatures, 

i tend to find them in interesting locations and positions, along side some interesting company.

once i found a slug & a moth enjoying the peaceful shade of a yellow flower nestled into a hill.
it made me smile thinking that these two creatures, to us so similar by falling into our categories, are able to co-operate and live together - in peace & comfort.
something or someone will come along and disrupt this peace,
but even just for that split second that this negotiation and realization occurs -
there is magic.

then there are the ladybugs, the bumble bees and the dragonflies that hum about.

i ran inside today to grab my camera to catch this little guy nuzzled to the inside of a leaf.

the ladybug look so content and quite happy to just be.

i wonder, 

is this bliss?

--end--

Faeries (Brian Froud, artist)

Blue Spruce

We are all strangers in a strange world.

Lamb's Ear

Lamb's Ear (Stachys byzantina):

 native to Turkey, Armenia and Iran

- soft leaves with purple flowers- beautiful before, during and after bloom

- morning dew settles on the plant, glowing in the sunrise of morning

These are some pictures from my own garden. Jason and I find these very beautiful to look at and they just make you smile when you touch the leaves. It is a softness that when found in nature on something expected to be smooth and silky turns soft and fuzzy. It is a surprise that is warm and soothing under the touch of one's hands. Cheers.

--end--